The Secret to Good Sex


Over time, our enthusiasm for sex can begin to wane, and many find themselves in a position where they’re simply not having as much sex as they used to, or they don’t find it as pleasurable as they used to. Considered on a society-wide basis, we’re all experiencing less pleasure than we used to.

Dr. Nan Wise, Ph.D., author of the recent academic book, ‘Why Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life’, believes she knows why that is.

The Secret to Good Sex

Dr. Wise believes it’s because our attention is divided more than ever before in human history. This prevents us from being able to be present, and when we’re not able to be present, we’re not able to regulate our emotions as well as we normally would. Dr. Wise believes that, culturally, we’re overstimulated.

It’s easy to see how this can negatively impact your sex life, and it’s something LELO fights against every day. Our goal is to make sex easier to engage with, by offering pleasure as simply as possible, and tuning out distractions.

This overstimulation can be overcomed, but it involves some introspection. We need to recognize how our core emotional systems are responding to stimulus, and how easy it is to derail those processes. We all get a little boost of adrenaline and dopamine when we get a social media ping, for example, but we need to acknowledge that it’s coming at the cost of our capacity to experience real, deeply satisfying pleasure.

It comes down to mindfulness and the prioritisation of true pleasure, which is another way of saying we need to re-learn how to be in tune with the sensations in our bodies.

Good sex is about being connected – not just with or partners, but with ourselves. For example, some orgasms are more fulfilling than others. Not all orgasms are equal, and trying to evaluate and analyse our sensations live can have the adverse effect of pulling us out of the moment. Our desperation to be present during sex can actually prevent us from being present. It’s a Catch-22.

So how do we be present without forcing it? Dr. Wise believes playfulness is the key. “It’s about learning to see sex as the playground,” she says. In her view, great sex shouldn’t necessarily be measured by how long it lasts, or how many orgasms we have, but how connected we are with our bodies and our sensations. Good sex becomes great sex when we’re attuned to our core emotions.

It might help to expand the definition of sex. A lot of us envisage sex as a narrow, goal-oriented activity. Penetration until orgasm is the way most people classify sex. But sex is so much more than that. Take the time to slow down and savour the sensations and emotions, and all of the body’s involuntary reactions, and explore them.

That’s the real secret to sensational sex.

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