Lily – “Dear Younger Queer Self” Contest Finalist Story


Hey girl. First off, slow the fuck down on the partying! You don’t need to do all your living before you hit 20!

pride

Also, I know about the cigarettes. Give them up while you still can! You’ll thank me later. Now  let’s talk about you.

We both know you’re not one to indulge in sentimentality. Sure, you respect birthdays and anniversaries, but you have never been one for romcoms and Romance novels. So I’m going to break it down for you with that candor many of your friends and acquaintances either love or hate.

You are enough. Right now. Just as you are. Don’t you roll those eyes at me! Trust me. I‘ve had enough experiences to tell you this truth.

Remember when you were a little girl growing up biracial in That tiny  town? Remember how you wanted long blonde hair and big blue eyes just like all your dolls and your dearest friend? Not your crazy curls and brown eyes  flecked with green? And your complexion, neither fair nor dark, that you couldn’t  except? You were always too black for the white kids yet too white for the black kids.

In your dating life, your social life and even when you were alone, you would cry because you just never fit in no matter how you tried. Someday you will be spooning in bed with a lover who will comment on how beautiful it is… She will say you’re the color of her morning  coffee and just as delicious, so creamy, sweet and perfect.

And those curves? How you hated those curves. Those fucking tits busting out of every adorable Victoria‘s Secret chemise you tried on. Being the first girl in your class to wear a bra. Little do you know one day your ridiculously sexy English lover… oh yes, you will have one, Honey, and he makes you melt without even trying, especially with that posh London accent that still sounds so proper even in the heat of passion as he growls  all the dirtiest things he wants to do to you? He will FaceTime you at three in the morning just because he wants to see those tits so badly and couldn’t sleep for all the thoughts of you racing through his mind. Grow to love them. All your lovers will!

Now we’re going to get into really touchy territory. Your king. Oh yeah, we are going there. I still remember the butterflies in your tummy when you watched that cheesy horror film with a scene featuring the marquee de Sade. Oh it seemed so wrong but also so very right!

You couldn’t understand the complicated feelings you had but you knew they weren’t typical, and that made you feel even more adrift. Good girls didn’t want the things you wanted. One day, you will be bound,  spanked and ravished by a Dom friend during a time in your lives when both of you just needed that moment. He will introduce you to the local BDSM scene, and it will be like coming home.

And the most difficult subject of all? Your disability. Everyone said you’d never move out of your mother’s house. The kids at school gave you so much shit about it that you felt worthless and every day you got on that school bus was like entering another level of hell.

Honey, you moved to the city, got married, had a family, got divorced and you lived your life! You’ve achieved almost all 0f your dreams. Hell, you even had a very rewarding career writing erotica  while doing the family thing. Speaking of erotica, when are you going to get back into that? You know you want to.

All the aspects of you that you thought were detrimental have turned out to be enhancements. You felt so alone. How many other biracial queer blind kinky pagans could there be in this world? Thanks to the internet, there are a couple with similar stories. 

I can’t emphasize just how much you will grow to love yourself as is and how much those close to you will as well. Girl, you’re going to go through some heartache.

You will lose your faith, but you will find it again. You will lose romances and relationships, family and friends. But you are better off without them. Throughout all this, you will never lose yourself. When it’s just you in bed fantasizing of assignations past and future before you drift off to sleep, or when your heart soars and  body burns in the arms of others, you are always going to be enough.

Not too much of one thing, but just enough of all the things that make you who you are.

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